Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Rise
It's time to honor our town's mayor for his integral role in the installation of Hameras in our town's traffic lights. Surely this will reduce the amount of accidents in our town square, but more importantly, we will finally catch the person who climbs up the flagpole each night and writes "I am Your Lord" on our beloved flag. So, put your hams together!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What are you going to do on vacation?
Well, I'd like to finally get around to cleaning out the garage. But, I'd also like to play some golf. I don't know if I can ham it all in though.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
You should really come to the party.
It's going to be a lot of fun. They're gonna have a batting cage AND a hampoline.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
What's Your Favorite Movie, Man?
Probably Snakes on a Plane, starring Hamuel L. Jackson. Second favorite is White Men Can't Jump.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
What's that Black Crowes song I always get stuck in my head, but don't know the words to?
Oh, you mean "Hard to Hamdle"? That's actually an Otis Redding tune.
Monday, January 21, 2008
At a record store in the 70's:
Hotpants: Dude, Wings totally rocks!! That new single is so catchy, but I can't understand the chorus lyric!!!
Bellbottoms: Yeah, Hotpants. McCartney vocals are slurrier than Michael Stipe's--
Hotpants: Who?
Bellbottoms: Uh. Oh. Just never you mind.
(Bellbottoms pulls out a portable lava lamp and erases Hotpants' memory)
Bellbottoms: Yeah, he's singing "Ham on the run. HAMMM ON THE RUN. Haaaaam on the run."
Hotpants: Who are you? Where ham I?
Hotpants: Dude, Wings totally rocks!! That new single is so catchy, but I can't understand the chorus lyric!!!
Bellbottoms: Yeah, Hotpants. McCartney vocals are slurrier than Michael Stipe's--
Hotpants: Who?
Bellbottoms: Uh. Oh. Just never you mind.
(Bellbottoms pulls out a portable lava lamp and erases Hotpants' memory)
Bellbottoms: Yeah, he's singing "Ham on the run. HAMMM ON THE RUN. Haaaaam on the run."
Hotpants: Who are you? Where ham I?
Please get a haircut, dear, it's turning into a mullet.
No, I gain strength from my hair, like Hamson...and you are my Delilah.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Why in God's name do you have 2 gallons of mayonnaise?
I said I was just going to Costco for the free hamples, but once you're there, who can say no?
Friday, January 18, 2008
I just can't seal the deal with this girl!
You gotta drop the quiet storm on her. It's all about the slow hams, bro.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Tim Russert is calling it "the biggest political upset in modern political history, no doubt about it!"
(He's talking about the Democrats, in New Hamshire.)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Whatever happened to those guys who sang "Du Hast"?
Who, Hammstein? I think they're touring the Balkans.
Charlise, why is your sister cryin so?
Bertie is hollerin cuz she jumped too high and done fell offa the hampoline.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Want to come out to the big sorority party?
Sorry. I've got a big exam tomorrow I really need to ham for.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The Motor City Madman (Theodore Nugent) speak thus:
"When hunting venison, bringeth thy bow, thy arrow, and thy hamouflage pantsuit."
With a little bit of uh-uh, And a little bit of uh-uh.
It's getting ham in here.
So take of all your clothes.
So take of all your clothes.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
My vegan roommate Chadrach choked me when he thought I used his knives to cut some savory meats. I gasped "No... I...used my laster beams..not..your"
Chadrach released his death grip, composed himself, and said "Well, no ham, no fowl"
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Why did you hide yourself and your family in a bin of teddy bears on a cargo ship?
I wanted to get to the Western Hamisphere.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Why aren't you wearing your wedding ring? Are you having an affair?!?!
No, no, my love, it's just that I have to take it off in the summer because I get such swollen hams.
We should join this real-estate/knife selling company, Teddy was talking about.
I don't know. Sounds like a pyramid ham.
But ma, I didn't do nothin'!
Are you serious, Bessie Sue? I saw Cal Glanders all up in your hambake.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
How do you like your Cosmopolitan, miss?
I like it shaken, not stirred, with organic Hamberry juice and lime.
You're going to wear that shirt to the Grammy's?!
I know, it's a hamble. People will remember me, though.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
"No Blood for Oil! End the War Now! It's time we finally spoke out against the crimes of this administration!"
(Please don't report me to the House Committee on Un-Hamerican Activities!)
There's an emergency! What should I do?
Call the hambulance! I'll call his hamily! And, hey! Turn that hamera off! This WILL NOT end up on some reality tv show.
Monday, October 29, 2007
What do you mean, you're letting me go?
I'm sorry, but it's not like we haven't given you hample opportunity to perform.
Hey, can you help me out? We're trying to build a barn in this field.
I would, but I'm playing the HAMbourine in a band tonight. Sorry!
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