Friday, December 10, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's getting erotic.

Time to hit the ham.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Rise

It's time to honor our town's mayor for his integral role in the installation of Hameras in our town's traffic lights. Surely this will reduce the amount of accidents in our town square, but more importantly, we will finally catch the person who climbs up the flagpole each night and writes "I am Your Lord" on our beloved flag. So, put your hams together!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

What are you going to do on vacation?

Well, I'd like to finally get around to cleaning out the garage. But, I'd also like to play some golf. I don't know if I can ham it all in though.

Monday, December 6, 2010

You Didn't Call Me Last Night.

Sorry, I was really hammed with work. I promise I'll do it tonight!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I think Stevie Wonder had it right

Ebony and Ivory, we can live together in perfect hamory.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

You should really come to the party.

It's going to be a lot of fun. They're gonna have a batting cage AND a hampoline.

Friday, December 3, 2010

You don't look so good today.

Yeah, tell me about it. Had one too many Ham Adams last night.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I don't really want to root for the Jets

But, I really hate the St. Louis Hams.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I haven't seen Charlie in ages.

Oh, um, no one told you? He's on the ham. Robbed a liquor store.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What's Your Favorite Movie, Man?

Probably Snakes on a Plane, starring Hamuel L. Jackson. Second favorite is White Men Can't Jump.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Becky's son? That is the fattest kid I have ever seen.

Go easy on him, he's got a hamdular problem.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

What's that Black Crowes song I always get stuck in my head, but don't know the words to?

Oh, you mean "Hard to Hamdle"? That's actually an Otis Redding tune.

Monday, January 21, 2008

At a record store in the 70's:

Hotpants: Dude, Wings totally rocks!! That new single is so catchy, but I can't understand the chorus lyric!!!

Bellbottoms: Yeah, Hotpants. McCartney vocals are slurrier than Michael Stipe's--

Hotpants: Who?

Bellbottoms: Uh. Oh. Just never you mind.

(Bellbottoms pulls out a portable lava lamp and erases Hotpants' memory)

Bellbottoms: Yeah, he's singing "Ham on the run. HAMMM ON THE RUN. Haaaaam on the run."

Hotpants: Who are you? Where ham I?
Shadrach's a con-artist!

And I fell for his smooth moves ham, line, and sinker.

Please get a haircut, dear, it's turning into a mullet.

No, I gain strength from my hair, like Hamson...and you are my Delilah.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Why in God's name do you have 2 gallons of mayonnaise?

I said I was just going to Costco for the free hamples, but once you're there, who can say no?

Friday, January 18, 2008

I just can't seal the deal with this girl!

You gotta drop the quiet storm on her. It's all about the slow hams, bro.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Tim Russert is calling it "the biggest political upset in modern political history, no doubt about it!"

(He's talking about the Democrats, in New Hamshire.)

What's your email address?

Um, I think it's like

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Please don't cut me.

I'm a hamophiliac.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Whatever happened to those guys who sang "Du Hast"?

Who, Hammstein? I think they're touring the Balkans.

Charlise, why is your sister cryin so?

Bertie is hollerin cuz she jumped too high and done fell offa the hampoline.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Friday, November 9, 2007

Want to come out to the big sorority party?

Sorry. I've got a big exam tomorrow I really need to ham for.

Give it up for Terry Gynt on the drums!

And Moorehouse Plato on the hamdolin!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Motor City Madman (Theodore Nugent) speak thus:

"When hunting venison, bringeth thy bow, thy arrow, and thy hamouflage pantsuit."

With a little bit of uh-uh, And a little bit of uh-uh.

It's getting ham in here.

So take of all your clothes.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

It's getting late.

Time to hit the ham.

My vegan roommate Chadrach choked me when he thought I used his knives to cut some savory meats. I gasped "No... I...used my laster beams..not..your"

Chadrach released his death grip, composed himself, and said "Well, no ham, no fowl"

I might be the Vice President...

...but I love Guns and Hammo.
Hampton: Slacks...Slacks! Hey, Slacks, I'm new here but I know you're the best tech support in the history of this company. My name is Hampton. Anyways, I hit Shift 7 and a strange symbol appeared. Slacks, is my keyboard broken?

Slacks: That's a Hampersand.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Wanna See a Movie Tonight?

Yeah. Let's see Sha-ham. (starring Shaquille O'Nealham)

Why aren't you wearing your wedding ring? Are you having an affair?!?!

No, no, my love, it's just that I have to take it off in the summer because I get such swollen hams.

We should join this real-estate/knife selling company, Teddy was talking about.

I don't know. Sounds like a pyramid ham.

But ma, I didn't do nothin'!

Are you serious, Bessie Sue? I saw Cal Glanders all up in your hambake.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

How do you like your Cosmopolitan, miss?

I like it shaken, not stirred, with organic Hamberry juice and lime.

You're going to wear that shirt to the Grammy's?!

I know, it's a hamble. People will remember me, though.

The forces of the darkness are upon us!

Here--wear this hamulet, and no harm will come to you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

"No Blood for Oil! End the War Now! It's time we finally spoke out against the crimes of this administration!"

(Please don't report me to the House Committee on Un-Hamerican Activities!)

We made up the poster to say "Biggles and Crock."

That's good, but make it a hampersand.

There's an emergency! What should I do?

Call the hambulance! I'll call his hamily! And, hey! Turn that hamera off! This WILL NOT end up on some reality tv show.

Monday, October 29, 2007

What time is your bus leaving tonight?

Actually, I'm taking hamtrak.

What do you mean, you're letting me go?

I'm sorry, but it's not like we haven't given you hample opportunity to perform.

Who is the most misunderstood artist of our modern era?

Hamela Anderson (Lee).

Hey, can you help me out? We're trying to build a barn in this field.

I would, but I'm playing the HAMbourine in a band tonight. Sorry!